My world

"This is not my world", I often think, shaking.

How did I get here? Where did this all come from?

And why?

How could something so familiar seem at the same time so different? How could something so different be so familiar?

It stole my thoughts. All of them. It turned them into something magical, beyond my imagination. It was like the other side of the world was a place where I could finally live, breathe and see for the first time. It was my last hope and the only thing that had so much power over me to distract me from... let's just call it "everything".

Some days in life make you feel like you drown into the water. But what you don't know is that the beauty inside you makes some tea out of it. And it tastes like victory and peace.

My wish at the beginning of the year was to find peace. Be careful what you wish for, because it may come true. Of course it did. I found peace, but I didn't keep it the same way I found it. After all, I wanted to find it, I didn't mention something about keeping it. Still, it is not the end. I don't want to see the past as past, I want to see it as a boost of energy and motivation.

Autumn. The end of summer. The end of many things. But every end is a new beginning, isn't it? And for things to start again, they first have to end. And that waiting between the lines of possible and impossible is like imagining the craziest thing that could happen and thinking about the opposite of your life or about those impossible things that you may tell your friends one day and they say you should be realistic and open your eyes.

I opened mine.  It can be scary. You never see it coming, for real. And I was so afraid of what I could see! But I did it! I did my best, I fought with anxiety, I ran on those stairs, I knocked at that door, I spoke, I asked, I waited and I hoped with every little part of my soul and with all the tears I could possible have. It seemed the right thing. It was. Fighting was the right thing, just as acceptance is.

I hoped for a miracle. MY miracle. It seemed impossible, just like a dream that you wake up from and you check if it was real, if it happened, but you can't find anything - there was no proof.
You lost the connection.

I was shocked to see the light at the end of the "tunnel" come faster and faster to me. You may think that light brings danger, like a car coming closer or a train almost hitting you. But then, with your eyes closed, waiting for the impact, you feel warmth.

No, you haven't died. It is the warmth of the Sun. You dare to slowly open your eyes and look around. It is not over. It was just the start. You walked and kept moving for so long in the darkness that the tunnel is gone and you are on the other side of what you used to call "your world". The ocean is no longer there, it's the end of it, the other side of it and after years of learning by yourself how to swim and years of swallowing tears as salty as the water itself, which flood your lungs and make it hard for you to breathe, you start to see trees, houses, smiles, people, as you get closer and closer. You get your oxygen and it is no longer a dream, a "hallucination" from the lack of air.

 You notice that you just arrived home. For the first time in your life. You were born. A wave of warmth hits you in the face as you see the new world for the first time. It is like you are cheating in your "game" and living what you never had to live. You see people. You are not alone. They are happy to see you. Isn't this Heaven? Am I still on Earth? You are looking for proof. You have never felt so alive, have you? You are looking for memories, connections, answers, but a warm voice tells you not to worry. You have it right there. And it is not just the voice in your head, trying to avoid a panic attack or anything similar. You've been waiting for this for as much as you can remember, but everything surprises you. A whole new world and all you have to do is be yourself.

 It is real. And that voice you heard is right in front of you, it doesn't come from the inside this time. The voice you thought you lost. Forever. You see where the warmth comes from. Two arms surround you and feel like the wings of an angel. Your guardian angel. And he brought you a dozen of roses! This must be a dream, you almost never received flowers in your life.

Everyone is so polite that you start wondering - if this is actually Heaven, what did I do to deserve to get here? Is this a sneak peek or a trailer of the afterlife?

I wish everyone could know people like this are not just in fairytales. It's just that smart people stay hidden, while others do their best to be noticed.

You stay in the same house with the people you once thought you lost or prayed for one more hour with. You eat at the same table with the people that thought about you, talked about you, wanted to have you there and stayed awake just to make sure you get there safe, even if they may have spent days and nights without getting any sleep. They still make you calm just with a "hello" and a "what happened?", but full of love in those words, just as if it was a spell.

Your prayers of being able to look them in the eyes and say what you feel become a reality, but the words are so many that you can't find any. It is a mess in your head. But a beautiful one.

You see a different version of you, like from another universe. A version that is confident, happier. You changed the way you see people, the way you see the world, the way you write, the way you recreate your thoughts into better ones.

You spend all that time and see you are a new person. It's like this new person has been waiting for you, like that hope lightening your mind in the worst moments. You are not alone in your fight. You have some allies. And they are the best you could possibly have, fighting with you against those thoughts that kept haunting every second of your life.

And at the end of the week, all you do is save the memories, hug the loved ones, do your best to make them proud - because they deserve it! And also, make yourself proud and think about what would be the best.

Be patient.
In a year, you'll be someone completely new, you'll have seen new places, met new people. You will grow into someone new.
As I have been told, I looked like an older version of me. But I am a better one.

And for this, thank you, my dear family!

And the reason why I sometimes seemed insecure or nervous was probably because I thought...

... "This is not my world"


Now go, keep fighting, my dear reader, and stay strong. Because the paradise is coming for you.

And it is closer than it seems, even if "closer" may be the other side of the Earth.

Be genuine.
Be yourself.
Love yourself and share the love with the ones that deserve it the most.
Create your paradise and become part of it. You'd be shocked to see how loved you are for who you really are.