Greater than love itself is only knowledge. The love for knowledge is the most powerful of all. The purest, the deepest, the noble one.
I keep observing my surroundings, the people, the thoughts I get, the reactions, the gestures. I'm like a little shadow in the corner, who sometimes gets to step in the spotlight, the place where I am seen, I am observed, I am analysed, I am read, I am loved or I am hated.
I read a book a while ago. It told me that my future brings me what is in my thoughts. That the way I think creates my future and that the universe works to give me what I have in mind, good or bad. I believe the only change I get is my perception of it. Just like the cognitive dissonance is reduced when we find a way to accept or change a situation, a belief, an attitude or a way to see it.
I started to see how my change of thoughts influenced my life or my beliefs. So I made a little "experiment". Every single day I woke up just the same, tired, worried about the day that has arrived, thoughtful, wanting for it to end. But this time, I created a cognitive dissonance by thinking, despite my mood, that "it is such a great day, I can't believe how amazing I feel! I slept so well and I am sure that it will all go great today. It is a new beginning." I have to mention that the years of theatre in my life helped a lot in pretending this, but it doesn't make it impossible for anyone else. And just like this, I found motivational songs, quotes and I took a screenshot each time I got a nice message from someone. I have been doing this for years. I now have thousands of pictures of motivational things, long lists of songs and I even think twice before using a color to mark what I have to study, so that I try to influence my progress. I have no words to describe how annoying it felt to deny my worries. So that I started thinking "I understand that I feel this way because of this thing, but I will do this thing in order to change it and if it fails, no worries. Every problem has a solution."
I am now able to empty my mind during a panic attack without anyone teaching me how to do it. It works for me. Maybe it wouldn't work for others. I reframe thoughts, even if I am not the best at it every single time. But I wanted to believe I was making a progress. And even if I don't, I think that believing made it a progress itself. Even before presentations I listened to "We are the champions", imagining in detail how it is a success.
So instead of waiting for the worst to happen just to later say "I knew it", I'd rather try to stay positive and to realistically imagine how what I want happens. This way I can at least know what I am fighting for, even if I get it or not, which is the first step in finding it.
So the next time you think you want to be happy, think about what exactly makes you happy and how you can work on getting that. You don't need to be better than someone else to be "on top of the world". You could, instead, work on being a better version of yourself. And when you feel the worst, helping someone else could help yourself, at least temporarily, especially if you thought you were a bad person. It surely helps me when I put a smile on someone's face or maybe getting some food for someone who truly needs it.
Knowledge is important. But knowing how to use it makes you intelligent.
